In 2015 I ‘retired’ from the 9-5 grind. I filed for and obtained disability for my chronic PTSD symptoms that were exacerbated further by sexual violations during military service. It didn’t stop there, I continued to have a series of unwanted circumstances in my life up until the end of 2018, which taught me a fundamental lesson in accepting people for who they are and not expecting to be treated the same way that I treat others, else I may find myself frustrated and downright furious.
Around my birthday in July 2021, I had an eruption of hurt emotions that I unleashed in distressed monologues via a group text message to my immediate family. Years of feeling silenced, ignored and under valued emerged from my being in sincere and pointed accusation along with my declaration to obtain my precious sense of freedom. I’ll spare the intimate details, the cut and dry is that I ran away at 17 to serve the U.S. Army and 36 me now understands why I chose to run.
Some folks simply don’t want to have the tough conversations. It’s understandable, they’re tough conversations and seldom held in comfort. There are culpable minds who avoid their treasons at all costs to not sit with shit, that would mean being accountable to fault. Generations of “brush it under the rug” in humanity has conditioned many into believing this is ‘just the way it is’ and I am here today to call out: bullshit.
Clear communication and mutual respect are HUGE factors in human growth. Every healthy relationship I cherish today attests to this assertion. Shame, blame and devaluation are destructive choices, to be unaware of this is to be unkind to others. Today, I am privileged with the awareness and ability to walk away from those who choose to treat me unkindly. Learning to walk away is the beginning of boundary setting for your own well-being after living as a people pleaser.
The ticket to healing is feeling our feelings, we have to sit with shit. Whether or not you muster the courage to sit with those who’ve endured your shit or you are doing your best to overcome shit that someone else put on you; feel your feelings. We do not effectively ‘get over it’ when we try to ignore our feelings of discomfort. Ignoring our feelings results in avoidance and repression; not resolutions. And when our shit stays unresolved, we develop anger, resentment and bitterness that poisons our interpersonal relationships when our hurt is not remotely their fault.
How To Sit With Shit:
- Sit in silence.
- eyes closed or open, whichever feels comfortable
- Intimately analyze the whole shitty situation:
- What happened?
- Who was involved?
- Did you have (dis)interest about the situation?
- Honor your feelings as they surface.
- Do not blame yourself
- Acknowledge wrong-doings (theirs and yours)
- Cry, scream, laugh — release the emotions
- Assign accountability
- note what you can learn from this situation, what you can change to better your life now
- accept the parts of the situation you never controlled were not caused by you
[This is a simple concept that is monumentally difficult to embody and may take many attempts to benefit, may not work for you at all, patience and practice are the only way to find out. Good luck.]
If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!