I’ve been healing a literal lifetime of sexual assaults beginning at age 6 up until an incident at the end of 2018–I got determined to heal and be better. I’ve got so many valid reasons to be pissed off and vengeful, I spent a lot of time in that space–and isolated because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Existing with more peace, love and acceptance for myself and from others who DO value me is so monumentally better feeling than chasing after monsters who cannot see their own reflections.
Everyone talks about forgiveness is for you, not them. What’s less talked about is that you need to forgive yourself. In the process of shifting from victim to victor you have to acknowledge where you failed to protect yourself and forgive yourself—for not knowing, for staying longer than you ‘should’ have, for feeling all the hurt you feel now. Forgive yourself. You deserve to be set free from the burden you’ve carried all this time.
Forgiveness is not a one and done thing either. You do not sit solemnly and hum ‘I forgive thee’ and poof all that hurt and pain goes away. No. You change your entire way of thinking–over time. Trauma survivors have to unlearn their survival tactics in order to relearn their thriving traits. It is a healing journey because it takes time. That is also why learning to be gentle with yourself, speaking to yourself kindly are monumentally important skills to learn and practice.
If you do not make an effort to forgive yourself -or- them then you are likely to carry a want for revenge. That revenge is a piece of toxicity lodged in your being and if you feed it, it will grow. If you focus on vengeance over enough time then you will become the monster, seeking to hurt others in self-righteous justification. The unresolved anger creates bitterness in you. It’s like a toxic sludge that functions like quick sand and sucks you in to darkness.
Healing is a choice and it is challenging as fuck! I personally have several visits to various psychiatric wards around the nation during my years of vagabond living. I have wanted to give up, I had to fight and become determined to not feel broken and lost anymore. Forgiving myself and others for the hurt I’ve felt in my life has been a necessity for me to progress in my own healing journey.
I do believe that many look at forgiveness inaccurately. As if forgiving your violators means they’re off the hook and life goes back to the way it was as if nothing ever happened. No. That’s repression not forgiveness. It did happen. You can forgive the choices and protect your well-being by keeping a safe distance from those who would do you harm. Be your own protector, always.
Be well, sweet souls.
If you struggle with symptoms of PTSD or identify with the neurodivergent community I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where our goal is to have a social space with human decency and civility as the standard. Shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors will be removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited! https://goodvybe.gg