Being diagnosed as “different”

In truth, I suspect that every human being (should they visit a psych professional) could be diagnosed with something. When you’re sad, it’s depression. When you’re on edge, it’s anxiety. We all go through an array of emotions as part of the human experience. My first diagnosis was depression in 2006 during military service. I continued to seek psych help and I have accumulated an alphabet soup of acronyms over the years.

I am deemed psychologically disabled with PTSD because my daily psychiatric struggles (triggers, mood swings) make even simple tasks difficult for an unknown period of time. This makes me an unreliable employee, which is what the powers that be care about us achieving: employment. I have not been employed since 2015 or dutifully watched news sources since 2006. I prefer being out of touch with society than subject to the scrutiny of failing standards set by out-of-touch leadership or presumptuous peers (we are not all capable of the same things and that has to be ok).

Recently I had an assessment for ADHD that determined I’m an inattentive type of attention deficit. This aligns with my disassociations and easily distracted nature. I’ve always been a “daydreamer” who lives more in my head than the world around me. Qualities I’ve known were different in me and would be written off as my PTSD for years. I pressed to be assessed because I am not in active trauma crisis and still have some functionality oddities I can’t explain.

In truth this diagnosis has brought me some relief. I have more suspicions about my brain being different and the neuropsychologist who assessed me will help me pursue further testings. I am also filled with so much doubt from my life experiences, halfway through assessment I was telling her “I’m probably not adhd” because she asked me about school, which I barely passed high school with a 2.7 and excelled in college with a 3.8 cum laude. Turns out, I worked my ass off and don’t give myself credit for it.

For a significant portion of my life PTSD has ridden shotgun beside me. I’ve had one trauma after another for literal decades, of course it’s prominent. I experience certain sensory reactions that I do not believe are associated with my trauma. I’m beginning to question and explore more of myself and why I am who I am in all aspects of my life. I believe I deserve to live in peace and joy no matter how much cruelty I’ve survived.

I am beyond grateful for the life I am living today, I am valued and cared for without conditions or confinement. My fella is the calm to my chaos and logic to my impulse. Having souls around you who want your comfort is monumental when you’re dealing with being “different” from the crowds. Find those who see you and stay where the love lives. Variety is the spice of life.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

Published by Ms Salley

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