When two people begin to coexist there are often clashes that occur. You’re individuals who have lived a certain way and figuring out how your partner lives can be contrary to your own standards. In a healthy relationship, these clashes are openly discussed and some compromise is determined or we simply accept that quirk of our partner. While a toxic relationship will demand changes and threaten the union if demands are not met precisely. We all have needs and we all deserve the bare minimum of care and compassion in our relationships.
This mentality of controlling others typically stems from a loss of control in life. Being in control of as many aspects of life as possible can be a survival mechanism. Unfortunately with relationships, being constantly under control can cause psychological damage over time. Partner A lost control in life and now controls everything so partner B is expected to comply without care to their needs. The relationship becomes one-sided.
Parents can also have this dynamic with their children, controlling over compassionate. Children are often disregarded as not x enough for y — so they grow up with ideas of not enough. Maybe they develop a determination to prove naysayers wrong, seeking outward validation as adults. Most parents refer to what their parents did growing up and pass down dysfunctions in the thought that it’s ‘normal’ because it’s what they know.
Childhood trauma isn’t meant to blame parents, it’s being aware of where dysfunction begins to work through them and improve. We are all capable of better if we want better. A lot of parents are not emotionally or psychologically developed to shape the mind of a small human and they have babies anyway. Society tells us that children are the stamp of approval you’re living life right, be married with children.
I disagree that a child means a successful life. A child is a small human who needs protection and care to grow into a functional adult. I did not have children. In fact, I terminated two pregnancies in my life. I believe finding resolve to my sexual traumas (including my termination guilts) has a greater purpose for me than being a mother could have. All that I learn I intend to share so that other hurt souls may heal too. We have so much suffering in this world.
Our relationships begin with our Self. When we feel secure and confident in our own being we bring that into our unions. If you’re currently in the habit of beating yourself up internally you’re more likely to be insulting to others too. That old “hurt people hurt people” quote comes to mind. It’s a continuous practice to change your thinking and it’s a powerful shift from self loathing to self love.
Be well, sweet souls. 💛
If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!