Adventure Log 03.14.2022

I am out on another adventure! This trip I’ll be going up to visit a dear friend in Tennessee. She and I have not been face-to-face in over a decade. I’m going to meet her kiddos, significant other and get me a real big hug from a soul I love in this world. Kicking off this adventure has been a series of challenges and y’all… “Nevertheless she persisted” is the appropriate phrase for my shirt.

My first stopping point is in Lafayette, LA to have my car diagnosed (hopefully repaired) at the dealership. It’s a 2012 Mercedes and there’s often things that only the dealership can address. I’m fortunate to be known there and well taken care of by the staff. I scheduled myself a massage after my car drop off and they graciously drove me to my massage place. My neck and shoulders carry all my stress and the lady who worked on me greatly reduced my pain. Message me if you’d like her name at Massage Envy in Lafayette.

Unfortunately, finding a ride is no easy task and I left the massage to walk 30 minutes to my rent house. I tried using the car ride apps and turned up nothing. Grateful I had the foresight to wear my knee brace after it locked up on me a couple days ago. I believe Xena enjoyed the walk, even though she didn’t appreciate my ‘come on’ when something smelt interesting.

My car was ready around 3pm and it continues to have the RPMs fluctuating. I was assured it’s road ready and the trip will continue onward. If necessary, I’ll be visiting a shop in Tennessee. The joys of owning things. Either it’s new or needing repairs, always costing something. In an effort to redeem the day I ordered a rack of ribs from a place called Dickeys (shoutout to my grade school friend Dickey!) and I’m about to tear those up.

The rental I’m in also has a nice jetted jacuzzi bath that I will absolutely be soaking in to cap off the night tonight. My goal is to post here daily with an end of day wrap up similar to this post. I’ll take photos throughout the trip and do my best to share in the experience with y’all— if you’ve got any trip suggestions for the northern TN area, comment or message me direct!

We do have some plans in place, going for a ladies lunch date Thursday when weather is forecasted to be warm. I’m excited to see my friend and meet her family. Grateful to be on an adventure. Hopefully see some caverns while I’m in mountain country. Wherever I go, I’ll be recording on my dash cam — we’ll see if that footage ever sees the public.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

All I’ve Ever Wanted Is To Feel Loved + Ukraine 🇺🇦

In light of recent ‘special military operations’ from Russia I found myself questioning what I wanted “to do” if things should go nuclear (literally). My conclusion: All I’ve ever wanted is to feel loved. Not told I’m loved while I’m ridiculed, not ‘shown love’ however others choose to show it — for me, in my soul, to feel loved. And I do.

I feel loved today, not only by my romantic partner, by friends and acquaintances who resonate with what I share about my life. Most importantly, I am loved by me. I love my creativity and my desire to be kind—even though I can seem cruel when my boundaries go up. That is something I work toward analyzing and adjusting to be firm and fair. I fumble and falter, I love that I can be honest with myself. I love that I can feel safe today because I know I am capable of speaking up and walking away for my well-being. I am my own guardian and I value my personal well-being in all things.

I am filled with gratitude and love because I dared to honor who I am without (too much) apology. Mister is still helping me dissolve the “I’m sorry” for existing pattern I developed in life. I believe feeling accepted is a desire we all hold in our hearts, even those who may never admit it (because life has hardened them to building walls with no entry). I was nearly walled off myself, I isolated for a few years before I could be open again. The difference on walls and boundaries is allowing souls that feel safe to know you, to see you and to love you.

If this existence comes to an end, I am so honored and grateful to have met the wonderful sweet souls I know today. You are everything. I know we all have struggles we selectively speak on and sometimes we need someone to lean on. Thank you to those who’ve shown me support! There are not enough words to properly express how incredible you are for choosing kindness while you struggle through this world-wide chaotic lifetime.

We do not know what tomorrow brings, only time will tell. Even though the world is tumultuous today, I feel an inner peace with where life has led me. Tomorrow isn’t promised and yesterday is past, all we have is here and now, it is a present to be alive.

My thoughts are with the Ukrainian people. May those currently fleeing and fighting to survive find safety or meet a quick end. Having overlooked the Afghanistan war as an aviation operations specialist I know too well that there will be casualties. To those who meet loss in this aggressive situation, may your mourning feel healing so that you may survive to see days of thriving in your future. Stay brave.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

Allowing Change To Happen

While trying to improve myself I have faced much resistance with things changing. Who am I if I change who I am? Then the anxieties of whether or not the changes are good or bad begin to spin. Classic overthink sinking hole. Eventually though, we have to let go of the worries holding us back to allow change to happen.

I’m not saying a complete release of what was for what is now—though that is the most ideal scenario. Even letting go of that trinket that reminds you of your grief can be part of your release process. It is a process, that’s why grief is noted to have stages and grieving is not exclusive to a funeral service. We have many reasons for grieving in life.

When we end a relationship there is grief there, a strong sense of loss. While it is different from the grief of a deceased loved one it also requires our mourning. We have to reach a point of acceptance for the loss in order to move past it. For some, grief is prolonged over years and it’s important to note we all grieve in our own time and our own ways. There is no timeline or cut-off.

That being said, there is also a pitfall of developing a victim mentality which leaves you perpetually stuck in your pain. This is a difficult topic because the pain is very real in grief and we all deserve the time and space to feel our pain, it is key to healing. We are the only ones who can climb out of this pitfall. It is an internal battle and vital that you have integrity with yourself to embark on a healing journey.

I’ve recently noticed a victim pattern in myself and it is very awkward to navigate. Hurtful situations of my past pop up in my daily life like trauma whack-a-moles. It is a great fortune in my life today to have supportive and growth minded souls around me. Having examples of better in your life can help self-improvement remain a goal.

Healing is hard work and can often feel futile. The goal is to keep your focus on what you can do in your life to improve. We all know what we feel about things and we don’t always honor it. Dare to honor yourself completely and the changes will be rewarding. There will be loses and grief, keep your focus on your well-being and find other souls who want betterment too. Notice your feelings honestly and find your tribe.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

How my relationships changed after boundary building

I was a people pleaser in sacrifice of myself for most of my life. I believed it was my top priority to make everyone around me comfortable—even when I was uncomfortable. Being sure that everyone else felt happy and content ensured my safety (in my mind). Today, I am the unwavering protector of my own well-being. My boundaries protect me from souls who intend to use or abuse me. I no longer tolerate shame, blame or devaluation—if it’s not a conversation it’s not for me.

Having people in my life today who value me and communicate with me has helped me build healthier boundaries. During my last therapy session I had a realization about my current relationship: I don’t have to pretend, ever. I sing and dance and act silly without ridicule, I can cry or be angry and I’ll be heard and held until I’m calm again. He endorses me building and practicing personal boundaries with him and others (and he always respects my boundaries). It feels very unfamiliar, a little awkward and even uncomfortable to me sometimes. We practice clear communication with each other and it’s amazing to me how much compassionate conversation can solve.

In past relationships I would make excuses for being mistreated. I would explain away any careless behavior to not address that the behavior was careless. In abusive environments the abused who fawn in response to trauma learn to do everything in their power to keep their ‘handler’ happy (to not be abused even more). It’s a very real means of survival to people please a person who becomes aggressive or cruel when they’re not happy. Know that abuse is not exclusive to physical assault—for any readers who are not aware that emotional and psychological abuse is abuse.

At this stage of my life I have a mix bag of anxieties, including social anxiety, and my fella will invite me to socialize with him then analyze the evening with me after. Sometimes I choose not to go and he always assures me that’s ok too. I am not pressured or manipulated to comply. When I do go, he asks me how I felt, what was good, what was bad. Since we’ve met he’s been studying me, doing his best to figure out how he can help me feel more comfortable. I am filled to the brim with gratitude for the care and compassion he shows me daily.

When we first met and he talked to me about being comfortable, my trauma brain questioned his motives. After being in relationships where my value was dependent on my obedience or my compliance to the ideals of my handler, I suspected his want for my comfort had some nefarious foreshadow. I couldn’t understand why this person I was getting to know would want me to be comfortable. Was he trying to convince me to put my guard down for him to hurt me? Now I know (after collecting ample evidences) he wants to love me, fully.

I have had a lot of survival traits to unlearn, my survival mode began at age 6 and I’m still working on acceptance and healing trauma wounds three decades later. I got serious about healthier choices and boundary building in 2018, determined to be better. Having a partner (who may not understand many of my struggles) that chooses to stand beside me each day is an incredible fortune in my life. I have healed by leaps and bounds having someone I can lean on and be myself without concern. If you are seeking your betterment too, my biggest advice: Go where the love is.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

Hiatus + Feedback

Hey y’all,

I began daily writing to this blog on January 1, 2022 not knowing what I would do with it and wanting to discipline writing daily. I’ve had the website itself for years and I’m proud to have kept a 48 day streak going! I missed a blog post yesterday and figured I’d give myself a break. Going to take a writing hiatus for the next week (return March 1), focus elsewhere for a bit and come back to this or figure a way to fit my joys routinely into my days.

I would greatly appreciate y’all feedback! What posts resonated, which ones may have left you confused or with more questions than answers. A lot of what I wrote happened in the moment. Each morning I’d wake up, have coffee (now tea) and consider a topic I could elaborate about for the blog today. I naturally migrate toward healing and psychology because I’ve been a psych patient wanting to heal my hurt since 2006, before being deployed to Afghanistan.

If you’ve liked my content, have suggestions for topics or even questions on things I’ve talked about, let me know! Either comments or directly message me through Email (contact forms on site). I do a lot of creative things — photos, yarn, paint — and I enjoy meeting other creative souls, seeing what y’all are creating brings me joy.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!