Why Faking It Is Not Making It

The very foundation to ‘faking it‘ requires lies and denial. Those who practice deceit and double lives are always in a state of competition and survival. Dishonesty limits the capacity of relationships because deeper connections require authenticity and accountability. Unfortunately, there is a societal pressure: if you don’t ‘fit in’ then you’re cast out.

In my early years of development I was practically desperate to be accepted by others. Having the brand of ‘slut’ in elementary school created an obstacle when building relationships. Kids can be cruel is often the excuse for that scenario and it’s interesting to me that few will acknowledge kids are conditioned to be cruel. Growing up in an abusive home makes the psyche believe that abuse is an expression of love or how to express anger or sadness.

We cannot make anyone else be, think or feel any different than they believe. Adult, matured relationships are about accepting differences and encouraging progress or leaving folks alone when you’re not in sync. Unfortunately, many adults never mature because of their conditioning—they think the abuse is love. Out here faking a fulfilled life while loathing their very existence internally to the point it spills onto others in visceral shames and devaluation.

No one else can change your mentality. Healing is hard work and a giant chunk of that is introspection and accountability to take complete inventory of who you are and how you behave. We all know innately what is compassion and what is cruelty. The monument of the task to heal is why there are far more suffering in the world than feeling the calm of healing. Authenticity is required because faking life is living in denial.

It’s ok and completely normal to have a degree of denial with difficult situations. Our brain will literally shut down in deeply traumatizing scenarios to protect us. This is why some souls have periods of blacked out memory, reality is too intense for the psyche to face. We can all endure varying stresses in very different ways too. All of this is normal even though few will speak openly or even be aware personally that they’re in denial.

We can train our brains. The mind is a muscle and that is why unhealthy conditioning is possible and healthy conditioning takes practice and discipline to obtain after living in dysfunctional patterns. No one changes in an instant and none of us are completely the same — that’s the fun of life, variety. A therapist or psych professional you trust is the most ideal scenario to practice unlearning dysfunction and relearning healthy habits. You got this.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

Disabled not DeAdwEighT

I am deemed psychologically disabled because my psyche struggles on a daily basis quantify as disabling. Mind you, I have my good days and to the average acquaintance I seem ok, like anyone else, maybe a little quirky. To those in my daily life, I swing from one emotion to the next, sometimes in a single day. My highs are giddy and my lows are shitty.

Being classified as disabled mostly gives me access to fiscal support because the mood swings can make meeting expectations of an employer a challenge. Everyone has a spectrum of emotions they navigate and going through disability filing is beyond stressful. Those who have gone through it will know when I say you are broke and broke while navigating the system. It requires persistence and perseverance to obtain disability support, many are denied repeatedly before they’re approved.

When I tell strangers I’m disabled I run the risk of being shamed or belittled as being a government handout case. Even though the system is rigorous to navigate to reduce the misuse of government assistance. That doesn’t mean it’s not abused or that all of us who rely on government assistance are lazy, worthless, etc. It means we recognize our struggles and did what we could to find help.

Difficulties exist for all of us, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Creativity comes naturally for me and expression through art is therapeutic. I know my life has had hardships that some souls will never comprehend and all of that is impossible to know in an instant. I am psychologically disabled with PTSD and I have served my country in the Afghanistan war. This is not what strangers see when they meet me, I’m a quirky artist.

My experiences in life have led me to being passionate about self care and healing internal suffering. I am not kind or sensitive because I am weak, I have had enough dark in my life that I only want light now. For me to receive kindness I have to give it. It’s a reciprocal cyclical thing: life.

Being alive gives each of us worth: we exist. Life is limited for all of us too. Not one of us will make it out of this alive. So before you pass your judgments on souls you’ve just met, because you’re having a bad day? Consider that we all have experiences in our being and a conversation can be revealing. We’re not competing, we’re all existing.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

Generational Trauma

Some of our traits are more obviously inherited from the previous generations: skin, hair and eye colors for example. We can pretty clearly see similarities and note where they’re sourced from by comparison. Research is revealing today that trauma — unhealed — can be passed down in both nature and nurture from one generation to the next.

The nature side reveals genetic markers that cause predisposition to certain ailments. Think of an alcoholic father who’s sons have the same proclivity to alcohol and either stay away from it or follow the same path of drinking in excess. On the nurture side of it the sons may have experiences associated with their father which influence their relationship with alcohol (and their interpersonal relationships, ultimately). They’re intertwined because our behaviors are shaped and influenced by our environment.

On a societal level there’s this idea that trauma is a limited experience and only a small few will develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Most commonly noted are service members who experience war, having PTSD from such an intense experience is considered understandable. The reality is that anything in our lives can be experienced as traumatic and initiate PTSD symptoms such as anxiety or depression.

If the alcoholic father gets angry and beats his child in a fit of rage or even belittles his children verbally out of anger this will create trauma responses as the child’s cortisol levels (the adrenaline for fight / flight in danger) are heightened in an environment that’s meant to be safe (home). This creates psychological conditioning over time to appease the abuser for survival.

For the father to survive his mistreatment of his family he has to live in denial. It’s being in a state of denial that not only keeps us stuck in our cycle of suffering, it causes those around us to suffer too. Being accountable to our pains, our struggles and our actions are key components in healing. We cannot fix a problem we don’t acknowledge exists.

Healing is hard work and that is why many souls will stay planted firmly in denial until their end of time. Knowing that the end is inevitable can be a motivator for healing, it certainly keeps me motivated. My trauma history is extensive when laid out and my healing is the greatest work of my life. We are all capable of improvements and the desire for change is necessary.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

It’s ok to be ok

We all know the popular song “it’s ok not to be okay” and that is also truth. We all struggle sometimes and it’s ok to speak up about it. Being in pursuit of healing since 2006 when I saw my first therapist, I have experienced literal decades of my life feeling broken and believing I could never heal. I thought after multiple sexual assaults and my own reckless behaviors in the past: I was too broken to ever be lovable or worthy.

Today, I feel like it’s ok for me to be ok. I have advocated and enforced boundaries for my well-being with more confidence since 2018. I have let go of people I love because I realize their concept of love doesn’t meet my needs to feel loved by them. I’ve mourned these losses and met some of the most incredible healing souls in this world by allowing myself to walk away from discomfort in my life. I feel ready for the next phase, ready to be ok.

This doesn’t mean I’m magically problem free until the end of my time. We all experience a degree of societal pressure to reach milestones. For many it’s marriage and children, creating their own family. Where my focus has shifted to my creative expressions, my art. I want to share what I’ve learned in healing and help others who are hurting find their own internal peace. Mostly I strive for my existence to say “hey, we can thrive after trauma, even when decades of healing is required.”

After internalizing that it is ok for me to not be ok and looking at all that needed mending around my soul roots, I put in the work. I believe so many avoid trauma healing work because the it is often times more painful than the wound. Healing our trauma wounds are an adult responsibility, else we pass that pain to future generations. Many souls are now identifying themselves as generational trauma beakers and it’s a movement in humanity I feel proud to witness and be a part of by healing myself.

Evolution occurs in every aspect of life and our emotional intelligence is tied in to our healing work. If we are wounded and feel small or worthless we tend to lash out and attempt bringing others down to our level of pain. “Misery loves company” as the saying goes. This is why so many are judgmental, cruel and downright hateful to others — they’re wounded and unhealed, bleeding on the world. I remind myself of this when I’m in toxic comment sections online—it’s not even about me, they don’t know -me- there’s pain spilling from them in their words.

I’ve wanted better for my life as long as I can remember. I am sensitive and emotional often. There are many labels of mental illness assigned to me and I still have to exist in this world. Before any healing work I wanted to take my own life many times, I wanted the pain of it all to stop. I was tired. After decades (yes decades) of internal work I feel myself thriving more, finally. I still have dark days and I have a healthier mode of thinking to help me deal with those days. I’m a huge endorser for Cognitive Behavior Therapy and I’ve heard of other useful therapies or modalities to help heal a traumatized psyche, though CBT is what I believe has best helped me to date.

How is your healing going? Have you begun? Do you have suggestions for others to find healing in their lives too?

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!

Adventure Log 03.20.2022

I am filled with gratitude for the time and ability to see my friend over the past week. Being able to reconnect with her and meet her family is invaluable to me. Friday night I watched her kiddos so she could enjoy a date night. For me, this is how I like to vacation when I visit my parenting friends. I’m proud of her for being a gentle parent and honored to be welcome in her home.

She and I have had similar journeys in our life and were assigned to many of the same military instillations during our respective time in service. I have always seen her as a sort of doppelgänger friend. We met in Germany at a marriage retreat with our now ex military-husbands. Actually grew up in the same small town area of Louisiana as girls. We both strive to find healing and betterment after surviving a lot of traumatic shit. She became a parent and I did not is where our lives took notably different paths.

In truth, I do not trust myself to be a parent with my psyche struggles and popping up as the cool Aunt type works out better for me. I can love and engage with the kids then give them back to their parents. Maybe it’s a selfish choice on my part and supporting my parent friends feels like I’m giving back. Getaways are most beneficial for my psyche too. Simply changing my environment helps me mentally reset.

My goal when I’m visiting an established friend is to be a minimal intrusion on their daily life. I do not want to create inconvenience (needing a sitter) for a fleeting day of fun. So, I offer to babysit one night. I know a couples night out is a bigger asset to her life than any outing with me could be and I genuinely prefer to stay home. Maybe it is an unconventional vacation plan, it works for me.

I’ve often expressed that I just need an excuse to escape and I’m gone. Mostly I stay home and socialize online, meet new people from around the world. It’s a fairly simple life, certainly atypical and it’s mine. I know many view vacation as this very small amount of time to do all the things where they’re visiting. That sounds stressful to me and not relaxing at all, which is what I prefer getaways to be: relaxing.

I’m so privileged to be able to book a place to sleep, have my vehicle and the time to have these pop in visits. I had so much fun with baby giggles and teen shenanigans. It’s nothing compared to the monumental task of parenting and I hope I was able to bring a little extra joy into her home while I was there. I love my friend dearly and I’m grateful to have had this time with her and her family. I believe it’s important to value your people you value.

Be well, sweet souls. 💛

If you identify with the neurodivergent community, would appreciate an adult space with a focus on support and betterment, I’d like to invite you to check out my discord server! Where shame, blame and devaluation are discouraged while compassion and personal growth are encouraged. The server is designated mature (18+) and minors are promptly removed. Multiple categories allow Members to decide what sort of content they’d like to see from the server using selections in the #about-you channel after joining. You’re invited!